Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it