person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Important reminders
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.