i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet