“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
#dalle2
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill