texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
How wrong was this guy?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any