If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.