I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
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me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie