I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Lmfao
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.