If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
You Might Also Like
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok