If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?