I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.