They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.