Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying