I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
You Might Also Like
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
2022 will be better than 2021
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
she has a point