Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?