when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
You Might Also Like
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!