Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.