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[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasnβt answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, βeggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.β
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like βI won.β They donβt even watch
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I Googled βBooks for women in their 30s.β One of the results said βBooks for women late in life.β Iβm in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? Itβs too bright.
NASA: Thatβs not how things work maβam.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash itβs on you.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
couldn’t resist
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good mornβ
6: Iβm dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me: βWhy does the date of Easter change each year?β
Priest: βItβs because of the moonβ
Me: βThe moon killed Jesus?β
Priest: βYes. Yes it didβ
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My son told me Iβm not fat Iβm just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Oh really? Weβll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that