Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I don’t know what to do
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*