Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.