If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere