ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.