Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Grandmother clock.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I want what they have
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial