If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
work smarter, not harder
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
the saddest jazz hands ever