who wants to go expliring
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I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!