There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom