GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
These 3D printers are insane!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!