My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
What a year we’ve had this week.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.