Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I only eat vegetarians.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this