Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you