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[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me :
All Day At Night
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better