The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.