Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”