I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
my proudest tweet
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.