[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
You Might Also Like
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
How did we not see this back then?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.