The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.