GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
You Might Also Like
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
584.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose