I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*