*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
thanks auntie mary