Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
screw you
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.