My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I have obtained a hat
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs