Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.