I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.