Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
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My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.