You Might Also Like
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I have a black belt in leather
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.