CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full