I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.