Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
is this a warning or an offer?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.