If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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can’t talk my ride’s here
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
real
🤣😂
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.