Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Just parrot things
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash